this just might take me down

(markel, mathewson)

 

Is this THE END….or the source or truth (?) (!) (?) (!)

there's a shadow that waits, my family trait, my kamikaze embrace……..(samurai sociopath)

 

that's right, tonight, this just might take me down…

one slip, tear, rip, and this just might take me down

 

watch the lifeboat as it drifts away, through the boomerang thoughts

which wrong or right, adrenaline god in white………(father forgive me)

 

that's right, tonight, this just might take me down

if I'm wrong, so long, because this just might take me down

 

i'm on cloud nine, w a l k i n g  t h e  l i n e, revelation, self-delusion

just confusion, which one is mine (?)

 

speed down the hill, for the prize awaits

when I smash through the gates

i'll know my fate, knowledge or pointless mistake………(OOPS!)

 

that's right tonight, this just might take me down

i can't pretend it's not the end, when this just might take me down

oh well, it's my hell, and this just might take me down

one slip, tear, rip and this just might take me down

 

 

 

 

 

i wish it would rain

(markel)

 

an empty life, an empty hand, well i did assume that i might understand…….

tell me, where did i go wrong (?)  what did i lose (?)  what did i choose (?)

this empty city's view…….

 

i wish it would rain…..until it washes over me…..

i wish it would rain…..let the water set me free….

i wish it would rain…..until it's there is to see….oh, rain……

 

i'm walking through a silent war, i must be 'cause i've never felt any peace before…..

tell me, when was misery born (?)  it has no face….it has no soul….but now it has a home…

 

i wish it would rain…..until it washes over me…..

i wish it would rain…..let the water set me free….

i wish it would rain…..until it's there is to see….oh, rain……

 

i have tired to live a life that would stand up to my mother's hope and my father's doubts…..

now it pours into the river, and spills into the ocean……of rain…..

 

i wish it would rain…..until it washes over me…..

i wish it would rain…..let the water set me free….

i wish it would rain…..until it's there is to see….oh, rain……

 

why…won't it……………..rain………….

 

 

 

 

 

 

life on a skateboard

(markel)

 

had i know the future…….shock……i might have asked mother to talk the doctor into leaving us, the womb was such a magic bus……but, through that gate i found my way, my first words i began to say, puzzled by this sudden change even then my thoughts were strange……

 

i couldn't run, i couldn't soar…..so i chose to live my life on a skateboard….

 

time began to weave it's clothes, that never fit until your old when it's too late to change the fit, you're frightened by the thought of it…..

school began to subjugate, my innocence so i could hate, the class clown was the sanest thing, the teachers hand an empty sting

 

i couldn't run, i couldn't soar……so i chose to live my life on a skateboard….

 

you can never go home again, you can never go home again, you can never go home again, you can never go……home………again

 

the day soon came, a chance for wings, i thought i'd do so many thing, that changed a life or really mattered, but i fell for the holding pattern…..

to that reflection i'm a man and still i just can't understand, how deep simplicity can get, the more that i unravel it………

 

i couldn't run, i couldn't soar…..so i chose to live my life on a skateboard....

 

 

 

 

 

 

where is harrison ford (?)

(edwards, markel, mathewson, moreland)

 

i was driving down hollywood boulevard one rainy night, and I needed to make a phone call, so i stopped at a pay phone outside a ralph's supermarket, and as i got out of my car and headed towards the phone, i noticed that the scene around me was somewhat………..

 

Intense………

 

There were gangbangers to my left, a homeless old lady lying in what looked like a pool of urine to my right, a young prostitute positioned at the driveway, and i found myself thinking.....

 

Where is harrison ford (?)

'cause this must be bladerunner

 

there was guy on the phone next to me, who had sort of a charles bukowski meets dennis hopper in blue velvet thing going on, and, i could overhear him saying, "listen, don't forget to bring the knife, it turns me on, make sure you wear that black dress, and no underwear goddammit….yes, i love my little baby."

well……the rain, the sights, and the sounds, made me think……the rain, the sights, and the sounds, made me think…….the rain, the sights, and the sounds, made me think, am i in a

hollywood movie (?)  and if so………..

 

Where is harrison ford (?)

'cause this must be bladerunner

 

"what the fuck are you doing?"  he said to me as i tried to help the old man up….i mean, i saw him fall down, i was just trying to help him…so that's what it comes down to now-a gesture of kindness is the same as an act of aggression…….i don't understand this…….i understand it too well……..

this experience prompts me to say, this experience prompts me to say, this experience prompts me to say,

 

where is harrison ford (?)

'cause this must be bladerunner

 

 

 

 

angst

(markel)

 

as i run….straight on……i may disintegrate…..or i'll wind up where I've begun……comically collaborating in my own private war, not that i would know what it's for……..is it me vs. him within (?)……

 

breathe out, breathe in………it's now i let my now begin…..breathe our, breathe in…….release the weight that tries to pull me in……..

 

bombs away, there goes another megaton of junk that i've depended on………

angst is falling down upon an unsuspecting kid, who hides inside a fate i once lived,

is it him vs. him within (?)……..

 

breathe out, breathe in…..it's time i let my time begin…….breathe out, breathe in…….release the weight that tries to pull me in……..

 

very, very, quite contrary, that's how your garden grows, many weeds surround the rose, but the miracle is it still shows……….it blocks my way…….no matter how i try to step aside………

 

breathe out, breathe in……it's time i let my time begin…..breathe out, breathe in…….release the weight that tries to pull me in……breathe out, breathe in……..a chance to chance another chance again………

 

 

 

 

 

made of gasoline

(markel, mathewson)

 

i want to stand on shaky ground for once,

without a fear, that I might fall apart

i want to watch the cracks surround me

i don't want to worry about the chance that I might yake

i want to hold on to the rope that might………………..break

 

what'll it be, safe for eternity (?)….could it be wrong, to be careful for too long (?)……

 

you know the moment is made of gasoline

 

set free the myths and monsters in my head

illuminate the faces that I fear

i want to look each terror in the eye

if there's a hard road, I will walk it's length

if there's a weakness, I will know it's strength

 

what'll it be, safe for eternity (?)….could it be wrong, to be careful for too long (?)……

 

you know the moment is made of gasoline

one or the other, there's nothing in-between

it's an explosion, or power to a dream

you know the moment is made of gasoline

 

i want to reach for that beyond my reach

i want to fall into the ditch I chose

i want to close my eyes and look…………

………..inside

 

you know the moment is made of gasoline

one or the other, there's nothing in-between

it's an explosion, or power to a dream

you know the moment is made of gasoline

 

 

 

 

strong as i am

(markel, lichter, putnam, ramsey)

 

father…..look……in my eyes, see……me…….as i really am, you made me,

now……take..me….tell me how it……feels….now, behold your flesh has come of age, forsake me, you break me……

 

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that scares me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that dares me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that haunts me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that taunts me

 

mother….let me heal you, your……pain….has lasted far too long

release it…..it kills you

see me as i feel you……the…….love…..you would not share

grows tired of waiting

 

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that scares me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that dares me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that haunts me

strong as i am, there's something about this thing that taunts me

 

will i leave them (?)  i say no

they ask me, will you leave us (?)……..

 

i say

 

no

 

would i leave you, or discard you, for a moment that seems beyond us (?)………

never would i break this union, when our love is just…….becoming…….

 

you gave me life…..i give you

love

 

 

 

 

if the world………

(markel)

 

if the world……. should end today, would you know the truth about the love we've made

i've tried to show you just how i feel

 

hope is one look in your eyes

faith is a whisper each time i realize

 

i would do anything for you

 

hard is the heart that would walk alone,

cold is the blood where love has never flowed

freed from this prison that i once knew, away from the false on to something true

 

lost in the depth of you soul

measure by measure i want you to know

i would do anything for you

 

if you take away all that i am

all that you'll find is a soul that's been waiting to love

waiting for you

 

if the world should end today……..would you know the truth about the love we've made

 

i would do anything for you

 

 

 

 

 

the waking dream

(edwards, markel, mathewson)

 

i told you about the ghost i saw that night beside my bed

well it appears it's still here, and possibly inside my head

i never know when it will come, but it always comes

the feeling of the moment when i wrestle with my greatest fears

 

i can't stop it now

it feeds my soul somehow

what is happening to me (?)

 

is it real or the mind's release, or just the ghost of old memories

have i torn the hidden seam, or is it just the waking dream

 

under sleep's dominion, eyes open, i see wondrous things

reality retires, and my room becomes a field of dreams

the bad, the good, the light, the dark, a visceral parade

and if i wake up running, will the source reveal itself as me (?)

 

i can't stop it now

it feeds my soul somehow

what is happening to me (?)

 

is it real or the mind's release, or just the ghost of old memories

have i torn the hidden seam, or is it just the waking dream

phantoms in my house tonight, point towards an inner light

will i run from the thoughts that scream, into the arms of the waking dream

 

i had another running dream last night

i woke up……………………………..outside

what's this theater of the mind saying (?)

has my stream of consciousness overflowed (?)

 

is it real or the mind's release, or just the ghost of old memories

have i torn the hidden seam, or is it just the waking dream

phantoms in my house tonight, point towards an inner light

will i run from the thoughts that scream, into the arms of the waking dream

 

 

 

 

licking the v……..

(markel, mathewson)

 

days of trance lifting and turning

nights of flight with us

we spring-loaded creature of spirit that go ______!

because we must

 

i suppose it is my "heroin", my drug of choice, so hook me up with you intravenous

because I'm not going anywhere

outside it's a brutal world

but inside

 

i'm licking the v………

 

ah, to read poetry with my taste buds

with you as my verse, what say you, shall we rehearse (?)

what carpenter wouldn't be proud of this fit, this litany of cohesion and the sanctity of it (?)

bring on the banquet of endorphins, the morphing of the souls

god, you're so beautiful, I want to eat you whole

 

inside i'm licking the v……..

 

 

 

 

darkness visible

(edwards, markel)

 

hello…..my old friend, hello……i knew that you'd come……

messenger of doubt, decimator or self

i won't give in to you (!)

i refuse what you do, i'll win this battle to regain my will

you will not challenge my….pursuit of happiness…….

 

say good-bye to the light…….darkness visible

 

come with …..your malaise, come with…..your atrophied heart

unleash the dogs of my own inner fears….

i'll send them back to you (!)

i won't give in until i do, the days of our embrace are over

no more surrendering, you' not drown me again…..

 

say good-bye to the light…….darkness visible

 

i was born…….to know a life that was worth living and i…….don't believe this dark creation is a wall……that can't be straight broken through with different thinking…..it will fall……

 

i walked a mile with pleasure, but she left me none the wiser……

i walked a mile with sorrow, and oh the things i learned from her……

 

say good-bye to the light…….darkness visible

 

 

 

 

thinkin' about movin' to a catatonic state

(edwards,markel)

 

daylight comes like an unwelcome friend, that wakes me from my sleep

to dream of life without storms or pain

will i ever find that heaven again (?)

 

oh mother pray for me to find that place, where the birds are singing

and i wear a happy face as i greet another brilliant day, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay……

 

'cause i'm thinkin' 'bout movin' to a catatonic state

 

i talk to the sky……………god help me (!)

 

i……..can't……..stop…….my………daydreams……

i feel like pulling out my brain before it hammers me again

i'm gonnna put it under glass then it will answer what i ask and not attack……..

 

'cause i'm thinkin' 'bout movin' to a catatonic state

 

if i were a clue would i understand me (?) (if i only had a clue…..)

if i were the truth would I lie to test me (?) (if i only knew what the truth is….)

i used to believe that 2+2=4, that the good guys always won, and of the miracles in store

but then i lost my way where i had never been before, and she's gone

 

i'm not afraid to look at myself, but a trial by fire isn't good for the health…..

my guiding light left me blind and burned, between insanity and knowledge…….

i'm not sure………….what's worse (?) (!)…..

 

well i'm, not gonna listen to the ones that school me

i'm not gonna listen to the ones that rule me

i'm not gonna listen tot he ones that screw me hard……they don't even buy you a drink first..

yeah, they're so sweet and nondescript, but if you fall down they'll tear and rip

i think you let your true self slip

you didn't mean to that…….did ya (?) (!) (?)

 

things have got to change

 

(suddenly, a phone rings somewhere in the dark and scary ride that is ever's mind…he answers it and says…..)

 

"hello"

"may i speak with ever cleer please?"

"speaking."

"well, I'm calling from hollywood, california and I want to congratulate you because you've just won everything you could ever hope for!  But don't worry, we're not gonna bore you with just any old prize, no sir!  Because you've the won the grand poobah of all things obtainable in the universe, something you're never gonna see on the "lifestyles of the rich and famous", and that is, infinite wisdom, understanding, and peace of mind!!!!!!!  Imagine the look of surprise on the faces of your family and friends when they see that you've won total comtentment!!!!!!  But wait!  That's not all!  As an extra added bonus, you're………."

 

BUZZZZZ!!!!!!

 

(the morning alarm goes off…)

 

"huh?……oh……….i was dreaming…."

 

it's time like this, both day and night, i wonder if my sixth grade teacher was right,

he'd sit on my head and then he'd scream, "you'll never amount to anything!!!!!"

 

it's like the telephone i mean i have a feeling of being disconnected

there's a ringing in my ears and no one can answer it

what's the point of even trying

if it's shit you know i'll buy it

i'm the king of all that's broken

i'm the mute when all is spoken

i feel awkward and imploding

please forgive me i'm eroding……….

 

good-bye little boy, you thought the world was a great big toy,

see what your innocence gave you

good-bye little man, you thought you could, now you know you can't,

see how your life played you?

 

good-bye                     good-bye                    good-bye

 

'cause i'm thinkin', 'bout movin' to a catatonic state